Can't Live With The World
by gayporwave
Summary: Julia and Lup have a heart to heart post-Refuge. Julia/Lup, Tres Horny Girls AU. (Originally written for light rises, for Chocolate Box.)


Lup asks Julia to dance.

Julia says yes.

They're half drunk after Refuge, neither willing to talk about what happened. Not about their everlasting day in Refuge and not about the Chalice's offer. They're both painfully aware of how not okay things were. About how not okay either of them really were.

All three of them agree on staying at the Davy Lamp for the night before heading back to the bureau, none of them quite feel up to making the trip back to the moonbase. Ren's offer of drinks on the house just sweetens the deal. Right now, it's just her and Lup at the bar. Hecuba gives an excuse that she'd rather not, and she leaves the two of them alone.

A quick "good night" and "don't do anything I wouldn't do" is all she says before heading off to her own room. Hecuba has rarely ever opened up before and tonight is no different. They don't expect otherwise, an unspoken implicit understanding of each other's boundaries. Still, Julia hopes that she'll be okay. (She makes a mental note to go bother her in the morning when they all had a good night's rest.)

Lup is the one to make the decision that they should head up to the room they've rented for the night. Hecuba has her own due to her need for privacy, the two of them had decided to share one. Lup likes the company and Julia doesn't mind sharing. They simply hang out in the room together for a short time, alternating between not talking and shooting the breeze before Lup is the one to bring up dancing.

At first, they don't really dance. Their "dancing" is more like the two of them slowly swaying side to side as they hold onto each other. Lup hums a tune that Julia can't quite seem to remember how she knows and slowly guides the two of them into a loose waltzing position. Julia's hand is on Lup's hip and she wants to pull her even closer, to close the distance between them.

The slow dancing they do feels _right_ , Julia holding Lup and Lup holding onto Julia in return. It feels more intimate than anything they've ever done so far (they've shared beds before, Lup doesn't like to sleep alone and is a cuddly person by nature), yet strangely familiar somehow.

Julia is the first one to break the silence. There are a thousand things she wants to say. Words that can put a name to this feeling she and Lup have been dancing around since before Refuge, way before Refuge if she's honest.

She wants to talk about the chalice, about Raven's Roost, about them, about the scroll, and about so much more. Instead she sighs, removes her hand from Lup's waist and goes to grab Lup's hand, threading their fingers together.

"What are we Lup?" she asks plainly, now that Lup's gaze is fixed on her and they've stopped dancing. She's so tired of avoiding this, she wants to get it over with already. She doesn't want to push Lup but it's hard to ignore the tension between the two of them.

"Do we have to right now, Jules? Can't we just enjoy the moment for a little longer?" is all Lup says in return. Her cheeks are bright red and Julia can't tell if it's the alcohol, embarrassment, or a combination of both.

"Lup…" Julia hugs Lup closer to her and Lup rests her head against Julia's chest. "I don't want to force you to talk, but I can't just pretend that nothing happened, that the both of us haven't been avoiding this."

"I know, I know. I've been acting unfair to you, I just...I'm sorry, I'm not very good at talking about this." Lup heaves a dramatic sigh waving one hand around in the air and bumping her head against Julia's chest.

"It's okay," she kisses the top of Lup's head pressing her lips against Lup's curls. She's always liked touching her hair, she always says yes whenever Lup asks her to braid it for her.

Lup just sighs again and frowns, "It's not, I'm just a coward who pushes people away when I'm afraid. I'm so afraid of losing you Jules, of losing Hecuba. Afraid of what happens if we goof this all up." She squeezes Julia a little tighter, "The chalice, what it showed me, reminded me of that. I think I speak for all of us when I say, today fucking sucked."

Julia nods, she can definitely agree. Today did really fucking suck. "It did, but I don't think you're a coward Lup. It's okay to be afraid, I know I'm the backbone of this group but I worry too, you know that. I worry about whether I can be there for you guys, I worry about us all coming back in one piece every time we have to retrieve a relic."

Julia hesitates before continuing on, she doesn't want to admit to it but if Lup can open to her the least she can do is be honest in return. "The chalice was hard on me too. I...I seriously considered taking it, I didn't know how persuasive it would be. I didn't think..."

If Lup is shocked she doesn't show it, instead she just takes Julia's hands in hers and gives it a reassuring squeeze. "Why didn't you?"

"I knew that if I did, it wouldn't be what anyone would have wanted. I would have never met you, or Hecuba, or any of the bureau. It would have been selfish of me."

"I'm glad you didn't," Lup smiles and Julia wants to kiss her— has wanted to kiss her the entire time they'd been dancing. She does just that, leaning in to press her lips against Lup's, marveling at how soft they are and tasting the lingering bits of whiskey on her lips. She breaks away to kiss at Lup's nose getting a small giggle from the other woman.

She kisses her lips again and murmurs in between kisses, "I meant it when I said it earlier, I love you."

"I know, I love you too." Lup smiles against her lips.

 _"Jeez, you suck at dancing. You know that right?" Lup laughs and Julia laughs too. She's well aware of her faults and well used to Lup's mild mannered teasing by now. They're both on the deck of the Starblaster, where Lup's dragged out an old record player that currently plays a tune for the both of them to waltz to. Julia finds herself humming along as Lup continues her impromptu dance lesson._

 _She claims that she can't bear to have a girlfriend who can't dance but Julia knows Lup just wanted an excuse to be clingy, so she doesn't argue. "You're the one who offered to teach me, you knew what you were getting into!"_

 _"Doesn't mean I'd think you'd be this bad," she sticks her tongue out and Julia just kisses her nose fondly. She wouldn't have Lup any other way._


End file.
